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A Note on the Bad Days

Sometimes I wake up and do everything right. I make breakfast, exercise, meditate, work, walk… and still have that nagging feeling of, “Why even bother? Can I just get back in bed?” This is nothing new to any person who has struggled with depression. This is an old, familiar voice.

I’m so grateful to say that there are many days where that nagging feeling stays at bay, leaving me to be a relatively normal, high functioning adult. However, as I move forward on my journey, becoming the observer of my inner world of thoughts and emotions- it baffles me that I can “do everything right” and still have that feeling come up.

I sit within my chakras, feeling that downward pull as it oozes between my solar plexus and heart. I simply notice it and sigh heavily. Hmmmm.

Having done all the things that normally heal me (eating, moving, meditating, working), I step back from myself to ask what’s going to make it go away this time? And that begins an inner conversation that has been the savior to my soul- a delicate dance between the part of me that is a tired child, and the part of me that is a strong healer. It goes something like this:

“I just can’t. I don’t care, I suck, and everything hurts. Why do I even bother trying when it always comes back to this empty feeling?”

“Oh honey, I know, but it’s going to be okay. You know it always is. This shit [read: fertilizer] won’t last forever. It never does. You know deep down that you were made of love, by love, and for love.”

“Argh. I know, but I don’t like it. It hurts.”

“Where is it hurting the most?” the healer tries to focus.

A whiney me responds, “My solar plexus is like a knotted root. It’s making my heart race.”

“Put on Pandora and sing cheesy songs as loud as you can.”

Here, the answer is always different because at this point it is about trying to tease out a sideways solution to an elusive wound in the soul. Singing empowers both the heart and the solar plexus.

“The singing helped release a lot, but my heart still hurts.” At this point my wounded self and my healer self are reuniting, getting back on the same page. From here it is time to reflect on my heart and what else will help it feel the omnipresent love of the universe.

“Do something to help someone.”

Inspired, my heart immediately opens back up and remembers its purpose. Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty.

(Today it was care packages for the people standing at intersections who need help.)

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